3 Years…

It’s hard to think about all that’s changed in the last 3 years since you’ve been gone. It’s crazy really, all the things I would’ve loved for you to see, to counsel, to visit, to love…

A marriage to an amazing woman

A home filled love

A new life that is at the centre of the universe with an aura so pure and amazing. You would love her so much. I’ll be for her everything you were for me. One day she’ll hear all about you.

It’s been challenging … but we’ve done a lot.. your team.. we all carry you with us…

I wish everything was great, I wish I could say some things are going to be better. I wish I could say everyone spoke lovingly of you. I wish everyone would just reveal their motives rather than shroud it in the pretence of love. But such is not the life that you departed. Feuds and animosity are rampant. Decisions had to be made. Changes implemented. Some days it seems harder to keep my last promise to you… but I try.

Sometimes I think how the physical reward of your hard work has brought about so much contention. I can’t believe how much entitlement exists. It grieves me to think how you didn’t get to enjoy it for longer but at this rate I doubt anyone truly will ever enjoy it again but I will forever treasure the memories.

Sometimes I want the world to know how great you were, you know memorialize you. But that’d be selfish of me because we are all temporal before we transcend, and quite frankly, the world just isn’t that deserving for you to be shared like that and the omens revealed that to me.

Your life taught me a lot but so too your death.

It took me until 2020, to even learn of some the battles you fought. The courage it takes to choose yourself. I am still finding more reasons to respect you, even after all this time. I’ve already chosen to emulate, simply because life is too short to make ‘inconsequentials’ rob my family of peace and joy. I am happy that I learned early on that family is not defined by blood, and love is not defined by gifts.

I love you. I miss you. Thanks for everything. I hope you have a great garden tending to…

Sleep good dad.

~Maktub

2019…

The greatest thing I’ll ever know, the fruit of love… the birth of my daughter happened 9/9/19. It has been a great year!

It has been a hard year, but I’ve come to understand that even in the greatest of masterpieces, there will always be varying small portions of it that speaks louder to different individuals. And while the grande image is breath-taking, it’s often the technique of the brush strokes that tells the story.

So yea, it was a hard year but there aren’t any easy years. And in this hard year, my wife and I were blessed with the gift of new life. Our energies created new energy, and the physicists will be saying that’s incorrect and the Law of Conservation of Energy and blah blah… but hey, we did it. She is right here, looking at me type, her fists clenched, her essence absorbing this world as she drifts asleep (11:29 p.m.). I often wonder what goes through her mind (and don’t you think it’s a tiny mind, her possibilities transcend her tiny body), I hope she gets the BEST in this life and the ones after.

We achieved a lot, we loved a lot, we learned a lot, we excelled professionally. Hey, we bought her first apartment, so let’s tick that homeownership box. Lots of new gadgets buzzing around said home too. Sounds all good, right? IT IS... believe me, blessings on blessings on blessings. So why am I saying it’s a hard year?

2019 has taught me that ugliness exists in beauty. I let down myself and the person dearest to me numerous times this year. I was also edified about how we are all continuously learning about ourselves. We aren’t static beings, and sometimes what we discover about ourselves is truly disappointing. I hope to take my lessons and improve myself going forward. I have to do better if I’m to expect better from those around me.

My little girl has fallen asleep already (11:50 p.m), her bib in hand, nibbling on her pacifier (**breaks to put her in her crib).

In 2019, I was reminded of the cruelty that mankind is capable of, especially cruelty committed by those who are close to you, your family. It’s been two years since losing my dad, and it is a wound that stings but more so when others pour salt in it. A lot of the things I did to honor his memory and carry on his wishes were brought to naught this year. I’ve made a conscious decision to distance myself from projects I believe he would’ve wanted me to carry on and it hurts but that decision is unmistakenly for the best at current. I visited his grave a lot less this year and had fewer conversations there, but I was able to have a respectable tombing and headstone done for him during the summer. The last I saw, a lot of weeds had taken over and the tears that formed were dried by the anger because of the ignominy (thank you dictionary.com) that has caused further schisms in my family.

No one’s perfect, and my family isn’t and has never been, not when dad was alive or even granddad, but… I grew up with a strong sense of FAMILY and that same family has now ill-treated and shunned its members and me, being Switzerland, am angry. I don’t know to mend these divides nor am I trying to any longer. I do know, if he were here, then none of this would be happening. As Jamaican, as it is, I know my dad is turning in his grave and is probably not proud of the passive approach I am taking. I have one parent alive, and I will do right by my mom, she has never done anything short of spectacular for me, my wife and now her grandbaby.

2019 has been a great year, I am so blessed my best friend caught the ball when I dropped it and it’s beyond words how she did it all whilst being pregnant. And I hope I can use my life-time to continually reassure her and uplift her and thank her for the blessing that she is.

We are looking forward to an amazing 2020. A lot of goals, plans, dreams, wishes, hopes… and we’re preparing for a hard year. We know there will be disappointments, curveballs, periods of grey, and none of that will dissuade us because there will be love, successes, joys, lessons, and rewards. We are painting our masterpiece, and each stroke of the brush tells a story.

From me here — to you, out there, I wish you all the best… and friend, try your utmost to protect your energy.

~Maktub

The Colour of Love

Happy Emancipation Day Jamaica!! (and Barbados and Trinidad and Tobago).

I wanted to do something on July 23 but all the universe wanted was for me to go to work. Happy 5th (first) anniversary to my darling wife (not our wedding anniversary).

I wanted to write on July 29, to commemorate one year since burying my dad but the words never came. I thought about it a lot though. I am happy I got to go home on July 6, to be with the entirety of my closest.

Sitting down on this fine summer’s eve listening to Alina Baraz’s EP “The Color of You”, just a chill session to beat the summer heat ( I really recommend a listen >> Color of You EP <<)

So thinking about the title of this EP, I realize memories are in different colours. I was not very cognizant of this or better yet I am no longer the person who interprets scenarios in colours and shapes.

I think about my wife and our memories together, they are all in brilliant, vivid colours, I can feel the warmth recalling them.

I think about times with my dad, they’re almost all in grayscale but contrary to what you’d expect, I can also feel the warmth of them. I am not sure if memories were always like this. Is my subconscious changing the themes of the memories to account for the real-life changes?

What colours do you see when you think of someone you love?

What is the colour of love?

Don’t be concerned with the dual spelling of color/ colour, I’m Jamaican we use the UK spelling. Be Blessed.

~Maktub.

 

 

 

Happy Father’s Day

Think the universe was expecting an epistle last Sunday, I had been thinking about it for some time before but to what ends? I always wondered the purpose of posting a picture saying Happy Father’s Day or Happy Mother’s Day on social media if either doesn’t see. Is it to advertise you have one? Is it so your following is aware that you acknowledge the day and your parent? Is it a public testament to love? Is it one of those actions speak louder than words thing? Maybe it’s all or one of the above, maybe none. Maybe I’ll just follow suit,

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Hmmm, I guess the day was mostly lost on me, no earthly father to tell, nor am I yet one. I would, however, like to share what did mean much to me that day, the words of a good friend, Gilly,

 

Happy Father’s Day for all the Fathers who couldn’t be here today. May their souls rest in peace and the rest of us find peace

~Maktub

 

Muuaji wa Kimya

Shida is bad. Keeping shida to yourself is worse. Shida is the silent killer (Muuaji wa Kimya). The more shida I endure these past months, the greater contrast I draw of my parents. One is very vocal about shida, the other wasn’t. I find myself being more like the latter, which is definitely the wrong option I’ve concluded but…

I really never truly grasp certain complexities of life… those that only experience can teach you. All shida is not the same, hence there isn’t a one size fix all solution. This is a disconcerting fact, realizing you don’t have your shida handled. You begin the realize all the negative impacts on your health: physical, mental and emotional. This in turn leads to further strains in other aspects of life.

Recognize you’re not coping. Get support. Avoid the drugs (pharmaceuticals).

It is my experience that persons not directly affected by your shida are more compassionate and open to listening. Shida taints. When you not really into people like me, write (not an endorsement of any particular technique, professional help is best).

Shida means stress. Just a little Swahili.

Easy to think to December 8, 2016 when life seem the status quo. But life you know… hard tackle….

December 6, 2017 marked 5 months pops since you transitioned, I’m sure looking down you would’ve wanted some things done differently. I agree. The learning process I guess…. learning from both our mistakes. Miss you. Hope you’re liking the gardening and plants, another work in progress.

 

 

 

 

I am a legend that you’ve never heard of

If one person remembers my name, give praise, that means I’ve made a change….. ~Chronixx

Feeling insignificant is so easy for us. Life has its ups and downs but why do the downs seem so much more abundant these days?

It’s so easy to think back to better times, it always is, when you’re feeling sad but can’t turn back the hands of time now can we?

Thoughts I keep in mind:

  • Thoughts are powerful, keep them guided along the positive track
  • Don’t want too much, eventually this will cause you to sacrifice your values
  • Disappointment is inevitable, acknowledge it, work from it
  • Be dispassionate about insults, people are.. well people. This leads to my next point
  • Humility, you aren’t all you’re cracked up to be.. that’s perfectly fine
  • Trust yourself, cause you’re the only person who really ever completely will (guess I don’t need to comment on trusting others)
  • Life is not your enemy, follow the omens, the universe conspires with us to achieve our destinies
  • Love yourself and others. Hatred is a poison.

If this message reaches you, take it as an opinion, and definitely go listen to “Legend” by Chronixx

Last point:

  • Good music always helps.

 

 

Losing loved ones are a part of the journey

Dear Universe,

Could you pass this on to my dad please.

You know you can’t escape it, the death of someone you love, but when it comes you always want more time. You think of all the things you could do with that time. I play out all the plans that were waiting to be executed when we saw each other again and beyond then. I think of how proud you were to be a father, husband, step father, soon to be father-in-law, son, brother, uncle, friend and looking forward to becoming a grand-dad one day.  Sometimes I think it’s a blessing not having gotten the chance to say ‘goodbye’. Who want’s to say a final goodbye to their father knowing they’ll never hear another word again?

It’s strange how your absence changes my perspective. Life requires balance and your departure has left me very unbalanced. Your void can’t be filled, this I know but I have to find that ballast to compensate. You were the most positive minded person in my life (and I am sad I didn’t appreciate that more to have said it to you), nothing was ever out of reach when we reasoned, and you encouraged me to view things just like you did. You were so patient dad, and my heart is broken because you ran out of time after working so damn hard for so long. It’s not fair.

Without that positivity that you brought to my life, a lot of dark clouds gloom. It’s hard cause I don’t yet exude positivity it like you did, but I am in the position where I have to be there to counter negatives not only my life but also mom’s and the family you left behind. It’s so overwhelming all this negativity around me, and I’m writing this to let you know I’m trying to emulate you but it’s hard and I miss you. I wish you here, to tell me something reassuring as you’ve always done. I am going to get there though, this is a part of my promise. We’re going to be great, you made it that for us, so there can be no other way.

I lost you dad the 6th July, 2017. Today is September 1, almost two months, I’ve cried everyday since. If you see me crying, don’t worry, it’s because I feel your love. It’s my journey to continue here. I’ll write when I can’t visit.

Love Jammy.

Maktub

Loss of Dad

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I’m not sure what I should be writing. This has been hard. I am sure I’ll coin better words later on in life but until then I guess I only want to say:

Thank you, Dad.

I will try my best to be the best man I can be as you were the best man I’ve ever known and quite possibly I will ever know.

~Maktub

Say it

I really want to know.. so say it… (link below)

I really want to know… how you really feel.. and I really want to know…

 

 

Pride Fear Anxiety Anger Sorrow Greed Grief  Jealousy Hate

prevents us from saying it …

Still waiting on the negative to stop so you can say it? Still giving such weak emotions power?

Well, would you appreciate your joy as much had you not known grief?

Waiting on the “perfect” “time”? Both are concepts, they aren’t actualities.

What is “perfect”? Nothing more than unattainable idea

What is “time”? Our way of making sense of our continual journey

What about tact? Yes, how dare you ignore being tactful (lol). Cause all the great meanings of life are tactful (YES… SARCASM is present)

WE -are finite but our words are not… through them we- ARE INFINITE!… so SAY IT!

I do not own any rights to the video below:

He said it!